Seek Wisdom, Practice Kindness
Third Edition
by
Mark James Wooding
Smashwords Edition
Copyright Mark James Wooding 2003, 2006, 2009, 2010
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My motto is this:
Seek wisdom, practice kindness.
Someone once asked me, “So, what's your motto?”
The question took me by surprise. I'd never thought about having a motto before and I wasn't sure what to say. I hesitated a moment, then answered with one of my favorite quotes:
The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a Heav'n of Hell, a Hell of Heav'n.(1)
I liked the phrase, but I wasn't quite satisfied with it. Sometime later the words “seek wisdom, practice kindness,” occurred to me. I knew then that I had found my motto.
The value of a motto is that it serves as a mental compass. It reminds me of the direction in which I want to steer my mind.
I don't always stay on course, but at least I know when I'm going the wrong way, and I know which way to go to resume my preferred path.
Wisdom is the knowledge of how to best live one's life.
When I was a child I went to a Catholic school for many years. There we sang a hymn about the gifts of “wisdom, understanding, counsel and fortitude, knowledge and piety, fear of the Lord”. One day the nun who was teaching us asked which of the gifts we wanted the most, and I said that I wanted wisdom. I thought that if I could get wisdom that it would lead to obtaining all of the other gifts, too.
In order to best live my life I think it's important to understand myself.
I want to know why I feel the things I feel, and why I do the things I do. My hope is that an understanding of my motivations will make it easier to guide myself into becoming the person that I want to be.
Kindness is love in action.
It is caring about the well-being of others, and acting accordingly.
When someone seems to need a kind word, a thoughtful deed, or just someone to talk to, I want to have the presence of mind to perform that act of kindness.
I realize, though, that my ability to show kindness will always be limited by my other commitments, by the scope of my resources, and by my own fears and desires.
I can't save the world, and I don't feel the need to do so, but I do hope to make a positive difference on my journey through life.
When I was a child, my character flaws might have been due to genetic predisposition, my environment, parental mistakes, or to some other factor outside of my control; but now that I am an adult I accept the responsibility for all of my flaws.
Regardless of the origin of a particular character flaw, it is my choice whether or not to fix it; and if I don't fix it, then it is my fault, and no one else's.
Deciding which patterns of behavior are character flaws and which are not is something that one must do for oneself. It is important to keep in mind, however, that if those decisions run contrary to the prevalent opinions of the society in which one lives, then there may be negative consequences to actions based on those decisions.
The truth will set you free.
In the oldest work in which I've found that phrase, Jesus is reported to have said, “If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."(2)
Regardless of the intended meaning in that quote, to me the truth setting someone free means that when the truth is known, there is nothing left to hide. When I tell the truth then it's not necessary to try and remember what lies have been told to whom, or to worry that someone will catch me contradicting myself, or to feel guilty about deceiving someone. Honesty frees me from those unwelcome burdens.
Although I may say something in error, people who talk with me seem to have confidence that I'm not trying to mislead them. I like that trust, and I don't want to lose it.
There have been instances when I have lied. Because of this, I know that I don't like it. I much prefer the way I feel when I tell the truth.
It may be that there will once again be circumstances in which I'll decide that a lie is preferable to the truth, but I hope that those situations are few and far between.
There have been times when I made commitments that I didn't fulfill. When I made those promises I intended to carry them out, but through absentmindedness, laziness, or through some other fault of my own, I didn't perform them.
I may seem like a liar to the people I've let down through my failure to follow through on promises. I apologize to those people. There is no excuse for me not to have met my voluntary obligations, so I won't try to make any.
All I can say is that I'm sorry.
There are times when honesty is not the best policy.
When the Taliban ruled Afghanistan, formal education was forbidden to girls. For someone teaching a girl how to read and write in Afghanistan during that time, it would almost always have been unwise to have told the truth about it to the authorities. No doubt there have been many similar times throughout history when lying would have been preferable to telling the truth.
Sometimes the lesser of two wrongs is the right thing to do.
There is an old saying that knowledge is power. If someone needs something done that he doesn't know how to do himself, and he's not interested in learning how, then he has to depend on someone else to do it for him.
It can also be said that money is power, since a person with money can hire a person with knowledge to perform a particular task. The limitation with money is that there are some things which one can't hire someone else to do.
If I want to master my own mind to a greater degree, then I have to learn to do that myself. Although someone could be paid to teach me, no one can learn it for me.
For me, the beginning of knowledge is the realization that I know nothing. Once I know that, then I am free to learn without being defensive about some truth to which I've become mentally attached.
This doesn't mean that I become suddenly unsure of whether two plus two equals four, or whether a heavy object released without support will fall. It only applies to knowledge of the specific subject. If I have doubts about the fundamentals of something, then I will begin to learn at the beginning, which is the point at which I know nothing about that topic.
The subject about which I first realized that I knew nothing was God. I had been taught that there was a god and that Jesus was his son; just as Moslem children are taught that there is only one god and that Mohammed was his greatest prophet; just as Hindu children are taught about their gods; but I had no actual knowledge of my own, and I had no source of information in which I had confidence. In order to free my mind from preconceived ideas and to keep it open for the truth, I had to begin with the realization that I knew nothing.
Information is either learned from one's own experience, or else it comes from another source.
It isn't practical, and it's often impossible, to verify all of the information that I receive indirectly. For instance, I can't verify through personal experience that Thomas Jefferson wrote the first draft of the Declaration of Independence; nor can I check the accuracy of a census by going back and recounting all of the people in a given country.
When information comes from a source other than my personal experience, I feel that it's necessary to assess the credibility of that source.
The difference between second-hand knowledge and first-hand knowledge is the difference between intellectual understanding and really knowing.
Most people understand intellectually that it's difficult for an invalid to perform many tasks that healthy people take for granted, like getting dressed; but it's not until a person experiences that difficulty that that person can really know what it's like.
I generally give greater credibility to things that I've witnessed myself than I do to reports from others. However, many times I have thought that my memory was accurate only to be shown that I was wrong. As a consequence, often when I think of knowledge it is in terms of probability rather than of certainty.
Many statements that I make would be more accurate if I were to preface them by saying, “To the best of my knowledge,” or “My understanding, based on what I've read, is ...”
Speaking in that manner is cumbersome, so I usually assume, correctly or incorrectly, that the person with whom I'm communicating understands that those qualifications, or similar ones, apply.
One of the most important developments of the last few centuries has been the increasing usage of science. Science is a set of methods for adding to the sum of human knowledge, and for verifying that knowledge, in a reliable and systematic fashion.
One method is to start with a hypothesis, which is a fancy word for a guess, then seek data to support and data to disprove that hypothesis. Some scientists may not make any effort to disprove their own hypotheses, but they can be sure that someone else will.
Another method is to begin by gathering data, then seeing what conclusions can be derived from that data. This usually leads to more questions. To answer those questions, the data gathering process begins again.
Objectively gathering information is not always easy to do. Science is practiced by people, and there is a tendency for people to bring their biases with them in their search for knowledge. Sometimes a person is so convinced that he must be right that he ignores, or even tries to hide, data that conflict with his preferred conclusions.
Fortunately, there are enough people out there who are able to minimize or neutralize their biases that the truth will eventually be discovered.
Evolution is a process of change. It occurs in any phenomenon where new or modified forms arise, and where there is competition for survival. Examples of such dynamic phenomena are language, political and economic systems, and of course, life itself.
Our species is a product of evolution. Due to the differences between humans and other animals, some people think that we are something else entirely, but understanding that we are animals is critical to understanding our motivations. The similarities between humans and our closest animal relatives are far greater than the differences.
Humans are not something outside of nature. We are just as much a part of nature as any other species.
It is currently unknown how cells first came into being. It may never be known.
However it happened, cells did come into being. They lived, they reproduced, and once in a while random mutations occurred.
Some of those mutations probably resulted in harmful changes that kept them from reproducing, and therefore were not passed on to a new generation. Other changes may have made no difference.
Some changes, however, were advantageous. Those changes caused succeeding generations to have a better chance to flourish, either in their existing niche, in a new niche within their home environment, or in a different environment altogether.
According to scientists who study the history of life, there were microbes living on Earth over three billion years ago.
The life span of those microbes is unknown, but there are some bacteria today that have a life span of approximately twenty minutes. In a billion years, microbes with that lifespan could produce 26,280,000,000,000 generations. In that same length of time, microbes with a life span of two days could produce 182,500,000,000 generations.
Considering that a single cell can potentially produce a billion descendants in 30 generations, there has been a lot of opportunity for change.
Over time, multicellular organisms evolved and their cells began to specialize.
Of the many changes that occurred, some of them affected the ways in which organisms perceived and reacted to their external environments.
At first these processes were purely automatic, and the organisms didn't make choices.
As time passed life became increasingly complex. Those animals that had a means of selecting from multiple impulses had an advantage over animals that did not. Thus evolved the conscious.
The conscious is the faculty for making choices. One or more impulses are generated in the subconscious, and the conscious chooses which course to take. I suspect that this applies to most vertebrates, and to some invertebrates as well.
The more highly intelligent animals have the option of rejecting the first set of impulses, and requesting of the subconscious other options.
Humans have the additional advantage of a greater mental capacity for understanding the reasons for given impulses, for gauging the consequences of the potential choices, and for seeking alternative options. We may not always take advantage of those greater resources, but they are there nevertheless.
The focus of one's conscious is one's attention. That attention can be divided among multiple objects at the same time, but there is usually a single item which receives most of the attention at any given moment.
The conscious is not only the part of the mind that makes choices. It is also that part of the mind of which we are aware.
When a person loses consciousness, that person loses all awareness of the world.
Sleep appears similar to, but is not the same as, loss of consciousness. When sleeping, mental activity that occurs above a certain threshold, such as dreaming, or detection of a loud noise, will cause a degree of attention to be focused on that activity. Sometimes it is sufficient to awaken one.
Interest is the desire to focus attention on a specific object. That object could be a person, a television show, a daydream, a news article, or any other thing on which one can focus one's attention.
To be entertained is to have the mind occupied with something that compels interest.
The list of phenomena that at least some people have found entertaining is as wide as the scope of life itself: gladiator matches, displays of emotion, children at play, cartoons, automobile accidents, starry skies, babies learning to walk, people having sex, sunsets, political debates, craftsmen at work, movies, beauty contests, predators chasing prey, burning buildings, battles, et cetera.
The subconscious is that part of the mind which operates automatically, and which carries out its processes outside the scope of the conscious. It can be influenced by the conscious, such as when the conscious directs it to recall a memory, or to perform a calculation; but the subconscious performs the vast majority of its functions without any direction from the conscious.
There seem to be some reflex reactions that bypass the conscious. An example of this is the way the body reacts to contact with extremely hot objects. The reaction seems to happen too quickly for conscious acquiescence to occur. Once the attention is focused, it may be that the conscious can overrule a reflex reaction, but it's possible that there are some basic reflexes that can't be overruled.
Far back in evolutionary history, if an organism felt nothing while it was being injured, then that organism would not have felt compelled to avoid the injury. If, on the other hand, the organism felt something strongly disagreeable when it was being damaged, then it would have been much more likely to move away from the source of harm, thereby surviving longer to reproduce. For this reason, pain was born into the world.
Pain is a negative feeling from some stimulus, physical or mental.
Agony and misery are extremes of pain.
Just as pain was a necessary evolutionary step to optimize an animal's chances of surviving to reproduce, so was rewarding certain activities or states when an animal acted in ways that were beneficial. As a result, pleasure.
Pleasure is a positive feeling from some stimulus, physical or mental.
Ecstasy and elation are extremes of pleasure.
The utmost extremes of pleasure and pain are usually associated with the body. This makes sense in regard to pain because a physical injury can be an immediate threat to one's life.
As for pleasure, the most intense pleasure, if not the greatest, seems to come from sexual intercourse, an essential act for the continuance of most animal species.
An impulse is a signal from the subconscious influencing one to behave in a particular way. It is the result of a subconscious calculation of the expected pleasure to be received, or pain avoided, by taking a specific course of action.
A compulsion is an extremely powerful impulse.
Pain and pleasure are not necessarily mutually exclusive. Some situations offer both, complicating some choices.
While human impulses may not be exactly the same as the impulses of members of other animal species, the function of impulses to direct behavior is a part of our common heritage (at least among animals with brains).
Instinct is genetically programmed behavior. It is the result of gene sequences in our DNA, and is a part of our makeup from the point of conception.
Different behaviors may manifest themselves at different points in life. Some may show up in the womb, and others may first appear in childhood. Some behaviors may not emerge until puberty, and still others may manifest themselves only in parenthood.
The subconscious originally generated impulses based only on instinct, but sometime in evolutionary history our ancestors developed the ability to learn. Consequently, some of one's impulses are based on instinct, and others on learned behavior.
The prime impulses are desire and fear.
Desire is the impulse of attraction. It directs one to do, obtain, or move toward something.
Passion is extreme desire.
Fear is the impulse of repulsion. It directs one to avoid or move away from something, and in some circumstances it can even compel one to attack.
Terror is extreme fear.
Desire and fear are the great motivators.
Without the desire to live, or the fear of pain or death, why would I bother to move from the path of oncoming vehicle?
As long as they are not followed indiscriminately, desire and fear are invaluable.
Desire and fear arise in many different contexts.
Phobias are specific fears, such as vertigo (the fear of heights), or arachnophobia (the fear of spiders). There are hundreds of phobias.
There are also many different desires.
Lust is the desire to have sex.
Gluttony is the desire to eat or drink excessively.
Sloth is the desire to rest in excess of what the body and mind require.
Acquisitiveness is the desire to get things without necessarily placing importance on keeping them.
Greed is the desire to get and keep more of a particular thing than one needs, or than one is ever likely to use.
Materialism is the desire to get and keep lots of things, but not necessarily a lot of one specific thing.
Two of the most important desires, particularly in the early stages of life, are curiosity (the desire for new stimulation), and mimicry (the desire to imitate).
Curiosity impels babies and toddlers to explore their world. They will get into any nook or cranny into which they can fit. They will taste test anything they find.
As they focus attention on sounds, gestures and actions, they try to imitate them. In so doing, they piece together the relationships between the causes and effects that their sounds and actions have on the world around them. In a few short years, children learn a language and a culture.
Curiosity and imitation don't end with childhood.
Curiosity led me to ponder the topics in this book.
I also occasionally find myself automatically imitating mannerisms of people that I've seen on television, or in person.
Two other desires of particular importance in the learning process are the desire to play, and the desire to be creative.
Fun is the enjoyment of a particular activity or idea.
Play is an activity in which one engages with no other thought than to have fun. The developmental benefit of play is that it tests and sharpens both physical and mental abilities. Play that challenges, but that doesn't challenge too much, tends to be the most satisfying.
When life isn't extremely harsh, the desire to play tends to continue into adulthood. When life is more difficult, and surviving becomes a full-time occupation, the desire to play diminishes or is overridden.
Creativity is the combination of two or more existing ideas to form a new one. It is the mental manipulation of ideas, sometimes confined to the mind, and at other times expressed, such as through inventions or art.
Our degree of creativity is one of the most significant differences between humans and other animals. It may be that any animal capable of play has a rudimentary creative capacity, but the creativity of humans far surpasses that of any other species.
Loneliness is the desire to interact with other people. Humans are social animals. We seem to have an instinctive desire to associate with, and to form attachments to, other people.
Personally, I find that time spent alone can be very relaxing, and it seems necessary for my mental well-being; but I can't deny that I also have a desire to be around other people.
It may be that people with more dominant personalities feel less need to be alone because they tend to get what they want when they're with others. People with less assertive personalities may have a greater need for time alone. That way they can do what they want without having to overcome the resistance of another person's will.
The counterweight to impulse is deliberation.
Deliberation is the directing of mental resources by the conscious in the search for an answer. That answer could be to the question of what is the best course of action to follow; or to how or why something works; or to anything else that can be pondered.
Although the subconscious may have prompted the original question to the conscious, the distinguishing factor with deliberation is that the conscious is driving the search for an answer, not impulse.
Two tools used in deliberation are reason and intuition.
Reason is the construction of a conclusion as a necessary result of other facts or beliefs.
If the reasoning is sound then the conclusion is said to be logical. However, just as a person can use tools poorly when making a piece of furniture, reason can also be used poorly when coming to a conclusion.
Intuition is the feeling that something is true without understanding why. Sometimes the mind picks up subtle clues that are not consciously noticed. The subconscious processes that information and its conclusions are often correct.
Status is the relative rank one has in the opinions of other people, or in one's own mind.
In the eyes of the law everyone should be equal, but in our minds, as in nature, everyone is not equal. Those that one values or respects the most have the highest status in one's own mind.
Ambition is the desire for status.
Flattery is telling someone that a characteristic that he or she has is better than it actually appears to be. The result is that the person being flattered feels that he or she has a higher status than the actual condition merits.
In any given group, the person perceived to be the most powerful usually has the highest status.
That power can be measured by many criteria, such as strength, willpower, rank, celebrity, money, sex appeal, possessions, knowledge, or ability.
The importance of status from an evolutionary standpoint is that the higher one's status, the greater one's chances of reproducing with a higher quality (more genetically fit) mate.
The desire for attention may be related to the desire for status. Receiving attention means that one has some positive status. Being ignored can signify that, at least in the mind of the person doing the ignoring, one is too low in status to merit attention.
I've often dreamed of becoming famous. I think the reason for this is that subconsciously I felt that becoming a celebrity would increase my status.
I don't consciously think that being a celebrity would make me a better person, or would make me more worthy of the attention of others; but I think that a subconscious desire for status evokes these dreams.
I have often imagined myself speaking with a celebrity. I think it's because instinctively I felt that associating with a person of higher status would raise my own status.
When I tell someone something that I think she doesn't know, it's often because I feel that revealing my knowledge will increase my status in her eyes.
Sometimes I like to show off certain of my possessions. I think the reason that I do this is because I feel that it will raise my status in the opinion of the person to whom I'm showing them, or in the opinion of someone else with whom that person will speak.
I never say to myself, "Hey, I'm going to do such and such in front of so and so to increase my status!"; but when I try to understand my behavior in retrospect, it often only makes sense when I take the desire for status into account.
An attachment is importance placed on something, such as on the truth or falsehood of a certain idea, or on the satisfaction of a particular impulse.
A person can develop an attachment (become attached) to anything that can be conceived, including another attachment.
An attachment is essentially an investment of mental energy.
Obsession is an extreme level of attachment.
An expectation is an attachment to a future event.
Hope is the expectation that a desire will be satisfied.
Anxiety is the expectation that a fear will be realized.
Expectations can be driven by subconscious processes, but also by the conscious.
Pride is an attachment to one's status.
Vanity is pride that is focused on a particular aspect of oneself.
Humility is the lack of attachment to one's own status.
One of the most profound feelings that I have ever experienced was what I imagined to be true humility. For a brief moment I felt totally unconcerned with what others thought of me, and I felt certain that I was no better and no worse than anyone else. It was only in a daydream, but it was a liberating state of mind that I have only attained a few times since then.
One of my primary goals is to make humility an integral part of my character.
When some aspect of an experience is enjoyable, there is often a desire to repeat that experience.
A habit is an attachment to a particular action, sequence of actions, or to some stimulation therefrom.
An established habit is generally harder to break than a relatively new one.
The evolutionary advantage to forming attachments is they can influence behavior in ways that are beneficial to the species.
A parent that has an attachment to its offspring is more likely to defend them. A child that develops an attachment to its parents is more likely to stay near them, increasing that child's safety. An animal that develops a proprietary attachment to its feeding range is more likely to keep competitors out of that territory.
People today form attachments to a wide variety of phenomena, and in many instances those attachments may seem, or may even be, disadvantageous. However, the ability to form attachments has been critical to the success of our species, and to many other species as well.
An emotion is a reaction to an event which is perceived to affect an attachment.
If I'm attached to the idea that a particular object remains on my desk, it will bother me if that object falls off. If I'm not attached to the idea that it stays, then it won't bother me if it falls off (unless it breaks and I'm attached to the idea that it should stay intact).
If I'm attached to the idea that a particular team will win a sporting event, I will have an emotional reaction at the conclusion of that event. That reaction will either be pleasurable or painful depending on the results of the game. If I'm not attached to the idea that a particular team will win, I will have no reaction to the outcome.
If a man is attached to the idea that his wife is sexually faithful to him, and he learns that she isn't faithful (or believes that he's learned that she isn't), his emotional reaction will be proportional to the strength of the attachment.
If he isn't attached to the idea that she is sexually faithful to him, and he finds that she was with someone else, it won't bother him.
If he thinks he isn't attached to the idea of her fidelity, but he is actually bothered when he finds out that she was with someone else, then he is in fact attached to the idea of her being true to him.
An event that triggers an emotion might occur in the real world, or only in one's imagination.
The strength of the emotional reaction is directly related to both the strength of the attachment, and to the effect that the triggering event is perceived to have had on the object of that attachment.
Sometimes one doesn't know the strength of an attachment, or even that an attachment exists, until having an emotional reaction associated with that attachment.
Happiness is the emotion that results from a sense of gain.
Elation is extreme happiness.
Sadness is the emotion that results from a sense of loss.
Grief is extreme sadness.
Embarrassment and humiliation are emotions that occur in response to a perceived loss of status.
Although a person usually feels only one emotion at a time, it is possible to feel simultaneous, and even conflicting, emotions.
Disappointment is the emotion of unrealized hope.
The amount of disappointment is in direct proportion to the strength of the hope.
Relief is the emotion of unrealized anxiety.
The amount of relief is in direct proportion to the strength of the anxiety.
Disappointment and relief are types of sadness and happiness, respectively.
Frustration is the emotion of unsatisfied desire. To feel frustration, it is not enough that a desire is unsatisfied, but there must also be an attachment to that desire.
It is said that time heals all wounds. In my opinion, the truth underlying this adage is that the ability of a memory to elicit a fresh emotional response generally declines over time.
One reason for this change is that attachments to conditions which are no longer possible tend to gradually decrease in strength. We are attached to the idea that the people we love are alive and in our lives. When someone we love dies, it hurts proportionately to the strength of that attachment. Time passes, and while we may always wish that the person was alive and with us, the strength of our attachment to the idea of them actually being with us diminishes. As a consequence, the emotional reaction to the loss decreases commensurately.
Another reason that emotional reactions to past events usually diminish in strength is that as past events are repetitively remembered they gradually lose their ability to have an effect. The memories seem to become desensitized, possibly due to familiarity. There are exceptions, though.
My experience has been that the more I think about a past event the weaker my emotional reaction to that event seems to become. With events that elicit exceptionally strong emotions this process can take months or even years. The trick seems to be to continually replay the event in the mind until the memory of it ceases to cause an emotional reaction.
Resentment is the emotion that results from the perceived opposition to an attachment.
A person who is attached to the idea that there should be no scratches on his vehicle will resent anyone who scratches that vehicle.
If a person is attached to the idea that she can't do a particular thing, she may even resent a person who tells her that she can.
Regret is a resentment caused by oneself.
If someone is attached to the idea that she shouldn't make a particular mistake but then she makes that mistake, she will feel regret.
If a man is married and has a strong attachment to that relationship, but also has a weaker attachment to a girlfriend, he may not feel any regret about being with that girlfriend as long as his wife doesn't find out. If he considers that his wife might find out, he will probably feel some regret at that moment. If she does find out about the girlfriend, in all likelihood he will strongly regret that he threatened his marriage.
Guilt is the regret that occurs when one knowingly acts against a principle to which one has an attachment.
Sometimes I think it's good to feel a little regret. In doing so, I think that I'm less likely to forget some of the mistakes that I've made.
Perhaps that is the reason why we've evolved to feel regret: so that we are less likely to make the same painful mistakes again.
Envy is the resentment of another person's possessions or attributes in excess of one's own.
Simply wishing to have something that someone else has isn't envy. It's only envy when one places importance on that inequality.
Resentment that another person has a possession or attribute which is similar or identical to one's own is jealousy, not envy.
Jealousy is the resentment that results from a perceived threat to one's status.
If a woman is attached to the idea that she is the only woman in which her man should be interested, and she sees him show interest in another woman, then she will feel jealousy. That other woman is perceived as a threat to the status she believes that she alone should have in her man's mind.
If one has an item or an attribute and resents that another person has the same or equivalent asset, then it is because one associates one's own status with that asset. The more people that share that same asset, the less status that having it can confer. The other person's possession is therefore perceived as a threat to one's status, resulting in jealousy.
Vengeance is retaliation against the perceived antagonist of an attachment.
If a man is attached to the idea that no one should show interest in his girlfriend, and another man casts a lingering glance at that girlfriend, he may desire to seek vengeance against that other man.
If an offense can be forgiven, it is optimal to do so. Vengeance never rights a wrong.
Retaliation may be necessary to prevent future offenses, but it can never undo past ones. Retaliation might also be necessary to change an unacceptable situation, such as when an intruder has invaded one's house.
Forgiveness is the removal of a resentment.
A resentment is removed by diminishing the strength of the attachment which was originally opposed, or by reducing the perceived opposition to that attachment.
Sometimes forgiveness occurs a little bit at a time, and sometimes it happens all at once.
One difficulty that is often encountered with forgiving old resentments, particularly those against people who have been in one's life for many years, is remembering the original offenses. People tend to have less patience with family and friends than they do with strangers. I think this is due to old resentments, but remembering the causes of those buried resentments can be a challenge.
A person who doesn't forgive remains a prisoner of his pain. One can't have peace of mind and be resentful at the same time.
One of my primary goals is to forgive everything that I can. Harboring resentments against others is not to my advantage. It wastes energy that could be utilized for productive or enjoyable ends.
It is just as important to forgive oneself as it is to forgive others.
Be that as it may, since some regrets may help me to avoid repeating certain mistakes I may make no effort to forgive them until I feel confident that I won't make those same mistakes again.
One morning I had offended someone, and I remembered something that Jesus was reported to have said: "Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.”(3)
I didn't actually remember the whole quote, only the gist of it. I felt that it might be good advice, so I decided to try it. I went back later and apologized to the person that I'd offended. He said that he was glad that I'd apologized, and that the offense was forgiven. His feelings appeared to change from resentment to friendliness. That was when I first realized the power of apology.
The act of apologizing places oneself in a position where one wants something (forgiveness) that the other person has the power to grant. The effect is that at the moment of apology one appears to be lower in status than the other person. Although the act for which one is apologizing cannot be undone, the gesture of recognizing the other person as having a higher status, and demonstrating that one intends no threat, seem to alleviate the resentment. I suspect that these are the reasons for the power of apology.
It obviously doesn't work in all situations. Some transgressions are difficult to forgive, and there are some people who like to hold grudges. However, the majority of the time a simple, sincere apology can work wonders to improve relations.
Energy is the fundamental driving force behind all action: energy sets matter in motion.
The amount of energy in the mind normally fluctuates within an optimal range. When that level is exceeded then the excess energy must be expended.
I don't know if that energy is electrical or chemical, or both, or something else. However, I don't think it's necessary to know the actual physical mechanisms in order to understand the underlying principles.
There are many reasons why the mind generates excess energy. These include, but may not limited to, responses to potential danger, emotional reactions related to strong attachments, and pleasure or pain.
If some aspect of the subconscious interprets a situation as being potentially dangerous, but doesn't create a strong enough impulse of fear to motivate the individual, it could be the difference between life and death. When the situation is resolved, in order for the mind to return to its pre-emergency balance any excess energy must be channelled out.
If something affects an object to which there is a strong attachment, the emotional energy released can be very powerful. That energy must be channelled away from the brain.
When a person is playfully stimulated, physically by tickling or mentally by humor, sometimes there is so much pleasure that it can't be held back, and bursts out via a smile, or laughter.
There are multiple outlets for excess energy. These include stress, vocalizations, and muscular activity.
There are also various degrees of excitement. Sometimes a facial expression, speech, or mild gestures are sufficient for consuming the excess energy. Sometimes a combination of outlets is used.
When the spike of energy is great enough, then shouting, laughing or crying may be needed.
Stress is usually the least optimal outlet, but it is used as a channel for a wide range of energy levels.
Stress is energy released through muscular tension. It takes longer to burn energy through tension than through motion or vocalization, so it takes longer for the body to relax again than if the energy was released through a more active channel.
Channeling energy into stress can help a person to mask his emotions, both from others and from himself. A person who is in denial about his emotions may even think that he doesn't have them since he's not showing them visibly. However, an attentive observer can usually feel the stress in himself, and see it in others, too.
Stress is generally unhealthy. It puts strain on the internal organs and on the immune system, and can lead to increased blood pressure as well.
Rather than allowing it to take a toll on the body, energy that has been channelled into stress can be released through a variety of means.
Massage and exercise are two popular activities through which stress is relieved.
Another means of releasing energy is through singing. People usually seem to feel more relaxed after singing, particularly after singing in environments in which they are comfortable.
It may be that any form of exertion will help relieve stress.
Vocalizations can be used to channel a wide range of energy levels. Near the lower end of that range, speech is commonly used.
When a person feels strongly about something, it is often helpful to talk to someone about it in order to vent those feelings. If there is no one else with whom one can speak, talking to oneself is an option sometimes exercised.
Most people are occasionally talkative, but some people can talk continuously for over an hour. This may be the result of memories linked to powerful attachments, the strength of which have diminished little over time. It may also be that they have an elevated level of mental energy for a different reason, with speech providing a welcome relief. It is possible that there are other causes as well.
Anger may have originated as a threat response triggered by fear. It would have allowed an organism to focus energy against a specific menace. As the ability to make attachments evolved, anger became a natural outlet for expressing strong resentments.
When the anger is sufficiently strong, loud vocalizing and striking at objects can help consume that excess energy.
Anger is usually a sign of weakness. Although a person may demonstrate physical strength when angry, that person also demonstrates that he is neither in control of the situation, nor of himself.
Crying, laughter and shouting are all channels for releasing high levels of excess energy.
Each of those channels can be used for multiple emotions. For example, sometimes people shout when they win, and sometimes they shout when they lose; sometimes people cry when they're sad, sometimes they cry when they're happy; sometimes people laugh when they're happy, and sometimes they laugh when they're nervous.
There may also be social pressures for utilizing or not utilizing particular methods of energy release. In some cultures it is acceptable for men to cry, while in others it is discouraged.
Although sex may have originated hundreds of millions of years ago as a purely reproductive act, for people (and for some other species) it has become more than that. There seems to have been a layering of different impulses that developed over time.
The most basic sexual impulse for a man appears to be to have sex with the most attractive woman or women available. A man can impregnate multiple women during a short time, and in this way he spreads his genes to the greatest extent. Very few men actually have sex with every woman that opportunity allows, but the impulse is there.
The most basic sexual impulse for a woman seems to be to have sex with the strongest or highest status man or men that she can attract. Since she can only give birth about once per year, and since she's the one who must bear and who usually takes care of the resulting baby, a woman's impulses tend to be more discriminating than a man's regarding choice of mates. This impulse increases her likelihood of having a stronger and healthier child.
In addition to these basic impulses, both men and women have a strong desire to pair bond. Pair bonding increases the care that offspring receive. This improves the odds that children will live to reproduce, and thus the desire gets passed on from generation to generation.
The basic sexual desires and the desire to pair bond are often in conflict, and this can contribute to making one's sex life quite complicated, particularly for a person who doesn't have much self-restraint.
Not all sexual decisions are based on reproductive impulses. Sex is often used as a medium of exchange to get something one wants. Women and men both do this, but it is done much more often by women than by men. The reason for this difference is that for a man sex itself is the thing that he most often wants from a woman, whereas for a woman there are more often other resources that she wants from a man; and since almost all men want sex it is a convenient exchange.
Whether these transactions are a good thing or not is a matter for debate, but that they occur is undeniable.
It is natural for a man to want to treat a woman's body as an object, because a woman's body is an object. However, that object is a part of a human being, a person with feelings, and dreams, and fears. If a man wants to live on a mental level higher than a caveman, he must never forget that fact.
Men's bodies are objects also, and doubtlessly there are some women who treat men as objects; but because women are usually not physically stronger than men there is much less potential for abuse.
The body will usually react with pleasure to sensual contact, even if that contact carries no possibility of reproduction or pair bonding. The body does not care whether the contact is with a member of the opposite sex, a member of the same sex, with oneself, with a member of another species, or with an inanimate object. It simply responds to stimulation automatically.
It is important to remember that one's subconscious can betray oneself by reacting with pleasure to casual touches and a soothing voice. This creates strong impulses that can override the choice that one would make absent the sensual stimulation.
Failure to understand this weakness can render one particularly vulnerable to an otherwise unwelcome seduction.
Looking at nature, at human history, and at contemporary life, it is impossible to say that bisexuality or homosexuality are unnatural. They clearly occur naturally in our species as well as in other species.
The fact that something is natural, however, does not mean that it is necessarily good, or necessarily bad. Caring for one's children is natural, but so are incest, rape, and murder.
Among most animals that have evolved as social species, the behavior to group seems to be governed by an impulse to be in close association with members of that species, including individuals of the same sex. It may be that in a percentage of some populations that this desire facilitates the transference of sexual preference.
It may also be that in some species bisexual behavior can contribute to group cohesion, reduce jealousy, improve cooperation, and contribute to group prosperity. For these reasons it may be that bisexual behavior has had a selective advantage, and has therefore been passed on genetically to succeeding generations.
Exclusively homosexual behavior is unlikely to have a direct genetic advantage since it doesn't naturally produce offspring. However, it may have an indirect advantage by increasing the number of adult individuals who are likely to care for the smaller number of offspring of the group.
It may also be that there are some whose homosexual behavior is caused by psychological factors that lead to the denial of attraction to the opposite sex.
The fact that individuals of many species have been found to exhibit homosexual behavior indicates that a limited level of it is not fatal to the group. A higher frequency of homosexual individuals would be detrimental to the group, and even higher levels would eventually be fatal to it.
One popular strategy for managing the reproductive urge is masturbation. It lacks the ego gratification that sexual intercourse can provide, but it also doesn't run the risk of disease transmission, pregnancy or rejection.
If one has a sexual partner, masturbation reduces sexual opportunity for that partner. Whether that is positive or negative would depend on the dynamics of the relationship in question.
Celibacy is another sexual option, and is probably the most difficult (and least frequent) of all. The reproductive urge is one of the most powerful influences of animal behavior. Any species that could easily ignore the call for sex would reproduce in much smaller numbers and would be much more likely to go extinct.
Being celibate can be gratifying to the ego because it demonstrates control, but it's certainly not for everyone. There is also a difference between being celibate by choice and being celibate by circumstance. Most people go without sex for limited times, but to do so for years at a time is not a choice that many people would voluntarily make.
That's not to say that it's an unwise choice.
For societies that seek to increase population, discouraging same gender sexual activities is advantageous. Sexual activity which can result in an increase in the group gives the group a greater survival edge against competing groups, and societies that encourage heterosexual behavior have a greater chance of surviving than those societies which don't. In such societies, homosexual sex is a wasted opportunity, as are masturbation and celibacy.
Once a population reaches a size where there is no particular advantage to increasing in number, the reason to discourage non-heterosexual behavior diminishes or disappears.
It is even possible that in an overpopulated society there would be a reason to encourage non-heterosexual behavior, and this may have happened at various times in human history, such as in ancient Greece, and in industrialized societies today.
People who engage in sexual relations, whether heterosexual or homosexual, are generally being guided by impulses from the subconscious. From a motivational viewpoint there is no difference. It is only in the potential outcome and its contribution to society that there is a difference.
Attraction exists in varying degrees between people. It is felt multiple times throughout the day, and for some people almost constantly. If people gave in to sexual urges whenever they were felt then we'd never get anything else done. Our society would be impossible to maintain. The question is how to manage that attraction: when to allow oneself to give in, and when to restrain oneself.
I don't think consensual sex is about right and wrong; I think it's about optimal and suboptimal, and about the life one wants to shape for oneself.
The notion that a pair bond should last a lifetime is a popular idea, and it's the theme of many romantic stories and songs. For the majority of people, however, there are several mating relationships of varying duration over the course of a lifetime.
A subset of the population does manage to bond with a single mate for life, but there are also others who mate with dozens of partners.
It is clear that when a couple is in a long term relationship that they don't magically stop being attracted to other people. The evolutionary advantage of mixing the gene pool is a strong one. I don't know whether we are evolving towards a greater degree of monogamy, or whether we have reached an optimal level.
Before electricity was harnessed, making a living took almost all of one's waking hours; likewise with maintaining a household. For one person to do both and raise a family was extremely difficult, so men and women needed each other.
Times have changed. Modern appliances have taken most of the work out of housework. Public schools and daycare centers keep kids safe for most of the day. Technology has also made society richer, and it's possible for most people to make a decent living working only eight hours a day, five days a week. For one person to do both a man and a woman's traditional roles is difficult, but nowhere near as hard as it used to be. As a result, although the desire to pair bond still inclines people to marriage, it is more of a convenience than a necessity.
In a society that frowns upon pre-marital cohabitation and divorce, there is an external pressure that helps keep mated pairs together. In a society without those pressures, the chances of a particular pair bond enduring are significantly lower.