Basic Counseling for Pastors
and Other Church Leaders
Relational Self Help Series
Trennis E. Killian
Smashwords Edition
Copyright © 2010 by Trennis E. Killian
The paperback edition of this book may be obtained at www.trenniskillian.com.
Unless otherwise noted, all New Testament Scripture quotations are taken from The Easy Study Bible, Copyright © 2011 by Trennis E. Killian, Christ Centered Ministries. Used by permission
Unless otherwise noted, all Old Testament Scripture quotations are taken from the Holman Christian Standard Bible ®, Copyright © 1999, 2000, 2002, 2003 by Holman Bible Publishers. Used by permission. Holman Christian Standard Bible®, Holman CSB® and HCSB® are federally registered trademarks of the Holman Bible Publishers.
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Other Books by Trennis E. Killian
The Relational Self Help Series
The Relational Self Help Series addresses most issues of relationships. Here are the titles published to date.
Beware of Abusive Behavior
Basic Counseling for Pastors and Other Church Leaders
Building a Godly Marriage
Conquering Grief
Controlling Your Reactions
Coping with Stress
Crisis Intervention/Suicide Prevention
Planning Communication
Relational Self Help Collection, Vol. I
The Easy Study Bible
Mark
Luke
John
The Four Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John)
Acts
Romans, 1 Corinthians, and 2 Corinthians
Galatians, Ephesians, Philippians, Colossians,
1 Thessalonians, 2 Thessalonians, 1 Timothy,
2 Timothy, Titus, Philemon
Hebrews, James, 1 Peter, 2 Peter, 1 John, 2 John
3 John, Jude
Revelation
The New Testament (Diagram Form)
The New Testament (Paragraph Form)
James (Free E-Book only)
The Easy Study Bible Commentary
James
Jude (Free E-Book only)
Other Nonfiction Books
Victory over Gambling: Leading Compulsive Gamblers to Freedom in Christ
Victory over Gambling: Workbook
Novels
The Real Beginning
There are more books coming in all of these categories, please look for them at our webpage. For information or to purchase one of these titles either in paperback or EBook form please go to the webpage www.trenniskillian.com.
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Table of Contents
1. The Basics of Pastoral Counseling
Part Two: Counseling Individuals
Part Three: Couple of Marriage Counseling
14. The Basics of Marriage Counseling
Part Four: Staying Free in Christ
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Introduction to Basic Counseling
for Pastors and Other Church Leaders
My goal for this book is to help pastors and other church leaders gain the confidence to be able to counsel members of your congregations in some of the basic relational problems you may have. Another goal is for you to be able to know when to refer someone you are counseling to a more qualified counselor.
I have discovered over the years that a strong counseling ministry in the local church will turn out to be a good outreach tool. Even if it does not bring people from the community into your church, they will look at you much more favorably.
My experience has been that it does both. When I was a fulltime crisis counselor for nine years, I helped several hundred people find a local church. Even when I was a pastor, I saw many people come because of our counseling ministry. Currently, my church has almost thirty people on the fringes or actual members who are coming out of a lifestyle of addiction. This does not include others who have come due to other types of counseling.
This book is for you, the pastor, or other church leader. I strongly believe that someone who has a good basis in the Bible is a potential counselor. The main thing we have to do is rely on God in all we do and bathe everything in prayer.
I will address all comments to you directly. In addition, to save space and energy, I will address all of you as church leaders, since pastors and all other leaders fall into that category.
This book is divided into four parts. Part 1 consists of my beliefs and practices concerning pastoral counseling. Part 2 is a systematic description of how you would conduct various individual counseling sessions. Part 3 covers marriage counseling. Part 4 shows how the counselees can stay free from their problems. A last section deals with your follow-up with the counselee.
I will write the instructions for each step of the process as if I were talking to you in person. I want you to be comfortable with everything that I ask you to do. If not you will not be comfortable in asking your counselee to do what they need to do to achieve victory in Christ.
To keep clutter down in these sections, I will precede each set of comments that I address to you with an asterisk (*). Whenever you see a paragraph with the asterisk, you will know that this is a set of instructions for you only.
I will precede each set of comments that I want you to give to the gamblers with the pound symbol (#). Whenever you see a paragraph beginning with a pound symbol, you will know that these are instructions you are to give to the counselee. You may put these instructions in your own words, but please do not change the meaning or thrust unless you have a good experience based reason.
When a paragraph begins with one of these symbols, all succeeding paragraphs will be the same until you come to a paragraph beginning with the other symbol.
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Chapter 1. The Basics of Pastoral Counseling
I will begin with the basics of pastoral counseling as I see them. I want you to feel comfortable with what you are doing and saying to your counselees.
Fear of Counseling
We fear those things we know nothing about or those things we do not understand. Many church leaders have a strong fear of counseling. Most fall into one or both of the above categories.
There is nothing to fear about counseling. If you are waiting for a "but" or an "if" you are correct, you will get both.
If you understand the basics of counseling, there will be nothing to fear about counseling.
But, if you do not understand the basics of counseling, you have much to fear.
When we apply the word "counsel" to what we do, we are actually using a misnomer. The word means to give advice. Don't! That is where many church leaders and even some professional counselors run into problems.
Now that I have your attention, I want to give you my golden rules of pastoral counseling.
My Golden Rules of Counseling
1. Listen
Never criticize!
Never assign blame or guilt!
Never let your thoughts even hint at blame or guilt. They will pick them up.
You are there to help them. That should be your only goal. Of course, as Christian leaders, we are more concerned about the hereafter than the here and now. Our ultimate goal for each person we counsel is for him or her to accept the Lord as Savior or to rededicate his or her life to Him. Nevertheless, our short-term goal is to help them out of the situation they find themselves in right now.
You will never know what the problem is if you don't listen carefully to everything they say, even prompting them occasionally to continue. Quite often, you will need to take note of some things they don't say.
It has been my experience that when someone comes to me for help, genuinely wanting help, they will tell me everything I need to know if I just listen. Sometimes you may have to allow some quiet time to pass before they will continue and tell you everything. Wait them out.
2. Use Common Sense
I have to be blunt here. But, God gave you common sense, don't even attempt to counsel another person without it. Be sure you approach each session only after a great deal of prayer. Then, be open to the guidance of the Holy Spirit as He leads you to do and say the appropriate things.
What I am implying here is that you don't have to have a degree in counseling to help most people out of most problems that they may encounter. Notice, I said "most" not all.
3. Never Give Advice